In Italy I found myself a bit love-struck, so there was a switch in the type of nightlife I experienced. I walked into a different feeling of a safe gay space, and it felt better than walking into any dive diner, or nightclub. It was in the presence of a Brazilian Man. It was the feeling of safety that only another person can offer, a sense of knowing that your emotions and inner-self are permitted the ability to shine through for a short period. However, this is not a full sense of safety from the world, events, or of being kept. It’s these brief moments in life that we get with people who enter the scene for a reason or a season. I indeed allowed my messy walls to crumble, a brick at a time, with this man. This is my wanderlust account of my Roman escapade, with a Brazilian.
When I arrived in Rome, I planned to rent a luggage locker and set out to explore. That proved to be a little more difficult when carrying a backpack, and two suitcases. The public transportation in Europe was a tight squeeze and had to navigate with luggage, so my patience with the situation might not have been the best. As I walked and bumped into people, I was blinded by the acknowledgment that I was flying solo and did not speak the language. My navigation skills are solid, but in a foreign country up is down. My first couple of days in Roma were spent marveling at architecture that I had no clue what it was or stood for; I just knew it was pretty. I walked into vintage clothing shops, and local grocery stores, and had plenty of gelato.
If you have read, “What Is Love? Pt IV”, then you know the backstory. I have wanted to feel another man stand next to me that offered a sense of calm. It’s not like you can simply purchase this at a drive-through window, or department store; Amazon def does not deliver this item. This feeling is the combination of chemistry and personality. It is present from introductions to salutations. Not every person possesses calmness, it is something that is in your personality or not. Amazon delivers this one, only in a diffuser.
From the moment that I meet a guy, I sense the energy and start to gauge personality. When I walked up to this man in Rome, I could feel his calm demeanor immediately. He stood there with his hand in his pocket and smiled at me, a big welcoming smile. We gazed at each other for a couple of seconds, almost to acknowledge that each was a real human and presently looking back. We decided where to go and off we went. As we walked, I noticed his calm demeanor even in speech, it gave me a sense of peace that I had never felt before.
For the first hour or so, we both kept looking at the other, almost as though we wanted verbal confirmation that the other was real and standing there. We continued talking about various topics and learned that we share things in common and this type of immediate connection or sense of calm does not happen off the “app.” I think this comes from years of no-shows and disappointments. I can identify these things, as it is in all of us. As gay men, we hype ourselves and the situation into something that it most likely is not, so it is a genuine response when the real deal shows up.
The feeling of safety is one that I look for in a man. I am no stranger to choosing the wrong person at the wrong time. In the past decades, my heart was wounded, and I looked for people that I could help, in return it could fill that wounded void. This is a false sense of happiness as I was never looking at the true indicators of a potential love interest. Needless to say, I was not receiving what I was needing in any type of relationship. Safety for the better part of my life was something that I provided for myself and only viewed as protection.
The moment on the Spanish Steps will live in my memory for life. I felt sublimely happy in this moment and did not want to let it go. I stood for the first time at the midpoint of the steps and was admiring the view, when he came up behind me, put his arm on one side, snapped a couple of pictures, and said,
“Our first picture together.” I stood there and looked at him, with I am sure an outward view of disbelief, or a raised eyebrow. Internally I thought to myself, “Is he right?” I looked into his eyes and smiled with joy as it had been years since I wanted this moment to happen. I felt comfort and ease with this man.
In years past, comfort around any sex was nonexistent. I was on edge waiting for a pin to drop, to say I was “uptight” would be an understatement. I had become a nervous nelly and needed to know every movement to keep control. Subconsciously, what I was trying to feel was comfortable and safe in my environment, it was all false. A delusion that I created to calm my nerves.
We started to walk to another Piazza that he wanted to see, and we passed a restaurant that had terracotta pots filled with climbing red roses. I turned to him and pointed at them and said “Pretty.” I went on to open my mouth to further comment and we both said in sync,
“I love flowers” in an excited voice, to make sure that the love was emphasized. I had never had this happen before. We smiled at one another with an inquisitive look to see what our favorite flower was. Sharing pictures of the last flower arrangement we had made, we moved to the topic of floral fragrance. I was thinking to myself at this moment, “Am I in a trance? Is he real, or am I walking around talking to myself?”
We walked back to the meeting spot, I felt this sense of happiness that I had not in about a decade. I remember thinking to myself, “What is this feeling? I have only been with this man for about six hours.” Arriving at the original meeting point from that morning, we started to look at each other, not wanting to part ways. Dinner plans had been made for the evening, but there was a pause. We locked eyes and I knew that a kiss was coming. This is a pivotal moment in the first meeting. Will the kiss be good? Will it be sloppy, or will one fumble? We locked lips and my foot started to pop, as Princess Mia’s did at the fountain. Kissing this man, I lost track of where I was and had not a care in the world, other than this moment not ending.
En route to dinner, we leisurely strolled along the streets of Rome. I had no clue where I was, but I let this man lead the way. As a former Type-A personality card holder, I had to have knowledge of or be in control of the details. The calm feeling that came over me while I was near this man perplexed me. I thought to myself, “How do I obtain this power?” These are questions that I had never thought to stop and ask myself.
The morning of the train ride to Florence, I was feeling fine, unlike my anxiety-riddled self the last time I was in the Rome Terminal. As we walked into the massive terminal, I had to check my pulse to make sure I was alive. Yup, I was breathing fine, heart rate was normal. Why was this happening? Can one person provide a sense of safety? Even strangers?
The ending of this escapade taught me a lesson; it taught me to be patient with my feelings. I have not had these feelings in a long time, much less want to say the words “I love you” to someone. For the past three years, the only person who has received those words from me has been my best friend. She has been there through thick and thin, and I do love her. Dearly. I knew that saying these words to this man could scare him off and it did. When I left the States three months prior, my goal was to open my heart to the possibility of love, I had no fugging clue that love can happen at first sight. Nor did I think I would be consumed with this feeling from two different men. The man in “What Is Love? Pt III” was another that I developed feelings for and did not know what it was at the time. I had cut my heart off after experiencing heartbreak, like most do.
After being back in the States and processing the events, feelings, and whirlwind of travel, I can see that I got what I wanted. My heart has been opened to the possibility of love again. I no longer have the desire to be the quintessential fuck boy, or the couples side. I received exactly what I wanted from this man, in a way. I can now accept rejection, as the words were not said back to me. I swear I saw it in his eyes. Regardless, this allows me to accept rejection, without the expectation of mutuality. The words “I love you” are free of charge and strings. Will I always love the person, no. I know there are good and bad days.