Going outside and facing a fear of the world and people was not as difficult as I thought it would be, when you add learning new cultures into the equation. Whenever I try something now that used to elicit a panic attack or freeze response, I give myself a little fist bump on the cheek like Julia Childs. All you have to do is try.
“What if I’m looking for a bathroom, I can’t find one, and my bladder explodes?" – Bob Wiley
Looking back at the past five years, I had no clue of my underlining behavior, until one day I got up from my chair after having a brief phone conversation. I was sitting at my desk in a comfy chair, and noticed that the imprint of my rear was on the leather seat, marked by sweat. I stood there puzzled for a minute and thought “why did this occur?” Then the rabbit hole opened, and I went straight down it. The first initial things I noticed were feelings: sweat dripping down my back when someone simply said “hello” when answering the phone number I just dialed; the next was the vast amount of times I stood up from sitting in a chair and noticed the sweaty outline of my rear on various different surfaces; the shaking; how I would look off and stair into thin air; getting lost in a conversation and having to ask the person “what was I saying” or “why am I telling you this?” Then it hit me, TRAUMA. My inner Bob was using my body to send me messages that I had ignored for years.
Get on a plane. DO IT. Like, now. Find a place you have always wanted to visit and book the trip. This will allow you to take the smaller steps like getting on the plane. Being around others in a close proximity will help you adjust your physical reaction to, or perceived reaction, to human contact. This helped me calm the inner Bob thoughts of needing a metophorical bathroom, or “what if the person sneezes all over me?” Yea, it is going to happen. People sneeze, fart, smell, and can be irritating.
To get my inner Bob to go away, I decided it was time to just do things. I put myself in situations that I could not avoid the public-travel. Planes, trains, and Ubers. This is my account of how I have slowly tamed my nervous system to not panic in public spaces. The first long plane ride I had ever taken, I had a pep-talk with myself “You are fine. You are safe. You can do this. Just one step at a time: Find your seat on the plane and sit down.” To my surprise, it worked. I continued to follow this pattern on a seven-hour flight to Brasil.
The next was navigating uncharted territory. A foreign countries airport without a panic attack. I knew from my previous travels to Europe that I could have a panic attack and cry, I did not want to do that this time, but prepared myself for the best and worst outcomes. Again, one step at a time. First step, stand up and deboard the plane. I slowly walked in the herd and was off the plane. Then thought to myself, “okay, that wasn’t so bad. You are in the airport. Now what?” I needed to find my checked luggage, this was a little more chaotic, I had to navigate the airport to the area where all luggage was in the carousel-typically by the exit. So I did the pep-talk, “you are going to walk into a heavy traffic area with a lot of people, both passengers, greeters of the deboarded, homeless, policia, and the randoms of the world.” Okay, I set out to find the carousel and found it. To my delight, my luggage was right there. A little trick I learned is to put colorful combination locks on my black suitcases and put an airtag on the inside, so I can concentrate on the location and duration to said location, and not the bustle of the airport. It does help to distract yourself after the pep-talk. I found a food court right next to the exit, I got my breakfast, and ordered my Uber.
Using Uber in travel. This has helped me not panic as much. I can order the Uber from my phone and add the address where I am going. This gives me the ability to continue to concentrate on the baby-steps: “what is the address of my AirBnB? Keep calm and wait for the Uber. I will have four walls and a bed shortly, keep calm. Keep swimming.” These things help when you are a nervous nelly about the outside world.
The next and hardest step is literally walking amongst people, bumping into them, calming your body and mind. This does take some self-compassion. Okay, I am at my destination in Sao Paulo, Brasil and I want to explore. I need groceries and a gym. I set out to find both. I used Apple Maps to locate the nearest grocery, dismissing the “danger” warnings that most follow in Brasil (it is not that dangerous if you are aware of your surroundings, and have common sense). I found the grocery store and brought back my groceries. Then the big one, to find a gym I had to go out to the most populated place, Paulista Avenue (Avenida Paulista) and walk into gyms and ask for a month membership. This required communication with locals that most likely did not speak English. Avendia Paulista is like walking the streets of New York City. People are everywhere: they bump into you; some want to rob you of your phone; some missing shoes and clean clothes; the obvious tourist that wears their bookbag on the front (wanting to avoid a thief), the waitress, businessmen and women; and policia. At first, my eyes where all over the place. Looking at all the people, the cars, motorcycles, and listening to the local conversations as if I had any clue of what was being discussed.
By the second week of my stay in Brasil, I walked to the gym for forty-five minutes (one way) on Avenida Paulista during rush hour walking traffic, cruising past people like a native, not wavering in my direction (making the front backpack wearing tourist dodge me), and eventually giving a local Taxi driver an evil look when they run a redlight and almost hit me. I have walked around crowded malls and did not panic when the crowds were large, and at times invasive. The key here is to look like you know where you are going and project the confidence of said knowledge.
Walking into grocery stores. This used to be the most difficult thing to do in the states, I would drive to the store and freeze in the parking lot. In Brasil, I wonder around the aisle reading the boxes, jars, cans, and signs with Google translate, or understanding with my own eyes and brain. On the daily, I would roam the aisles with a lust in my eyes for knowledge of what each product was and the contents within.
Three weeks in, I was walking back from Pāo de Açùcar with my Trader Joe’s reusable grocery bag over one should, my cultural finds for the day knocking-about, and I suddenly stopped in the middle of the sidewalk on Avenida Angélica and thought to myself, “have I started to heal my fear of being in public?” I felt a rush of emotion come over me and thought, “yes, I think I am healing this fear.” I stood there and started to cry happy tears. It had been three solid years of anxiety in public spaces. Three years of driving to grocery stores, only to sit in the parking lot, cry, and leave.
Is this the hardest thing I have ever done? No. Am I proud of myself? Unbelievably proud! Have I banished fear and anxiety, no-it will still come and go. But….. I know I can handle it if I just have self-compassion.
Everyone is different and has their own pace, but…. You cannot sit with Gill in your apartment and be afraid of the outside world. At some point, you have to face it and rediscover the things that were once, just a part of simple, everyday life.
Checked and Updated on 11/14/2024