They say that whenever you find yourself in a non-reciprocal emotional attachment, you must move on to someone new. This time I did not want sex, I wanted a conversation to see if I felt something. I am changing my ways in that I did not find the next hot body to rid myself of the fluttering feeling. I wanted to see if I could move on without using sex as the vehicle. Oddly, I found myself speaking to a man who shared the same first name as the man I had fallen in love with. In Brazil, these are common names, nonetheless, I shall call them OG Uno and New Uno.
I knew that I needed to move and not slide backward into a shutdown, I had come too far to turn back. I knew that I was in a vulnerable state, so I wanted to see if I could make an actual connection with another man. Maybe I had a true breakthrough and could let my walls down with anyone that I felt comfortable around. So, let’s try.
This time I was trying something different, I didn’t open Grindr, I opened Tinder. I matched with a man who had a gorgeous smile and a nice body. I noticed that all of the pictures were of him smiling and clothed. I liked the vibe I got just from the pictures, so I replied to the match. We hit it off intellectually and decided to meet at a local coffee shop that he suggested. I sat patiently and started to text my best friend to let her know what I was doing. She asked about the New Uno and my reply, even before the meeting was, “he is super handsome and has an unbelievingly contagious smile, but… He’s not the OG Uno.”
I found a table and sat for a minute, snappin pictures of the surroundings. He texted to let me know that he was running a little late, so I decided to walk into the cute little hidden coffee shop and look at the offerings. As I perused the pastries and Brazilian snacks, I briefly thought “What kind of coffee shop would the OG take me to?” I went to sit back at the table I found and New Uno walked up with a huge smile on his face and introduced himself with a hug. I felt comforted and smiled back at him. We decided to get some coffee and snacks and then chose our table.
We sat and talked about each other’s lives and before I knew it, two hours had passed. He mentioned that he had more work to complete and needed to leave. Before we parted ways, he locked in the second date. I smiled at his grit and determination to see me again, it felt nice to see excitement in another man’s face. We hugged and parted ways. On my way back to my rented apartment, I text my best friend, “He is a great guy, just not the OG.” I then started to think about the time we spent in Rome. I immediately redirected my mindset to my “to-do” list and changed the narrative. I needed to shake this feeling, whatever it was, and give this beautiful man in front of me a chance.
The following day we agreed to meet for dinner at a swanky restaurant in Centro São Paulo. We had a new joke that I, the American was on time, and the Brazilian (a culture typically known for being punctual) was a couple of minutes late. As I walked to the restaurant, we texted back and forth jokingly stating that the Brazilian would be the one on time for this date. When he reached the restaurant, I received a picture and then, “I win.” I smiled and laughed to myself and said, “he’s cute.” I started to walk into the restaurant and saw him coming down the stairs to greet me. Again, with the amazing smile and energetic vibe, I started to feel a sense of being wanted. His energy was that of a teenage boy on his first date, which I admired. I felt privileged, welcomed, excited, energized, and comforted. We walked up the stairs and he had a table in a quiet corner for us to enjoy the evening. We started to speak about the day and what we would eat. We ordered our meals; I chose a traditional Brazilian dish. I LOVE the taste, ingredients, and smell of Brazilian food. There is this cornbread crumble deliciousness that is typically served with beans and rice as a dressing. Chiefs kiss to this one, Brazil!
I could tell as we spoke that he might have a specific topic that he wanted to cover, and then it came out-position. I grinned a bit as I was waiting to see when this conversation would present itself. He asked that I guess his, and I was correct, surprised, but correct. I would say that I am versatile, I can work with almost anything, if I have a connection.
We ate dinner and continued to speak about life and desires. I found myself smiling at this man with an admiration for his zest of life and happiness. I had been on a mission for a couple of years to find this eluted feeling. I thought to myself, “There has to be something in the water here, men seem so joyful and walked around with smiles, regardless of circumstance.” I like this about New Uno, but I kept thinking about OG Uno’s smile. The way he looked at me and then started to slowly smile as if it had been a while since an organic one was elicited from another love interest. Anyway….
As the night went on, I found myself yet again, being told by the waitress that they were closing and needed to close the table out. I was sitting there with a beautiful man, he had nice hair, lips, and eyes that one could get lost in, but I had not felt anything yet. Since I was doing something different and looking for a genuine connection, I thought to myself, “Maybe it takes time to develop feelings for someone.” I continued to smile and engage in conversation as this man has every quality I look for, he is generous with his time, well-spoken, educated, attractive, and kind.
As we closed out the table, he offered to walk me back to my place. I said respectfully that I was fine with walking alone at night in Centro, I had done so for two months now and felt safe. He insisted that he walk me back and during the walk, he made me chuckle when he said, “I might be walking you back, but if anyone tries anything, I’ll only be doing the talking, I am looking at you to be the muscle and save us.” We arrived at my door, and I knew that a kiss was coming. The time had arrived, and we locked lips. It was nice and there was no problem at all, I just had the thought enter my mind that I had been trying to rid myself of all evening.
After we parted ways, he requested another date in two days. I agreed as it was an evening that I knew I would enjoy. Dinner and Wicked in Jardim, one of the best parts of São Paulo, Brazil. The following day, I received a message explaining what he wanted to plan for us to do for the evening and asked if I would want to spend the night. I replied that I might not be comfortable yet doing so. He made a comparable suggestion that he had a coupon for a hotel that was expiring soon and wanted to stay there. I hesitantly agreed, as I knew where things could go and I was too vulnerable to have sex with another man at the time.
The day came to meet and spend the evening together. I was looking at Instagram and liked one of his posts, I then noticed that I liked the picture from my blog account. I quickly unliked and switched to my personal account to like the picture, hoping that my fumble would go unnoticed. It did not, he immediately followed the blog account and sent a message. He said, “I see you have another account, is this a personal blog?” I nervously said, “Yes, it is something I play around with.” I thought to myself, “This will be my first opinion of another potential interest.” To my surprise, he simply said. “I now have three questions for tomorrow at dinner.”
Once I arrived, he was waiting in the lobby with a warm welcoming hug and that beautiful smile. I had to provide my passport, which is a thing in Brazil anywhere I, a tourist would go. We made it to the elevator and up we went. For some reason, I had this uneasy feeling, as if I was doing something wrong. But I wasn’t. Or was I?
We entered the room and he immediately walked to me, and we started to kiss. It was not a bad kiss, it was more of a fumbling type of make-out session. We knocked about as if we were teenage boys. After a couple of minutes, I broke the kiss and walked over to my bag. What was this feeling of uneasiness? I tried to brush it off and said, “When does the movie start?” We got ready to leave and went on our merry way.
As we walked, he put his arm around me and had a huge smile on his face. We walked and my face was in awe as I marveled at my surroundings. I grabbed my phone and started the amateur photography session for the one-hundredth time since I landed in Brazil. We arrived at the mall that the cinema was in. As we walked in, I just looked at everything thing and said, “Pretty” in an excited way to emphasize the newness that my eyes viewed. We made our way to the food court and chose our meals. My food arrived first, and I waited for him to sit with me. As we sat, I asked what his questions were. He had valid questions that one could ascertain from the pictures that I used to tell a story on Instagram. I was honest and said that I had experienced some heavy emotional setbacks four years ago and was doing well. I was trying to unveil my creative side, and clearly I'm good at telling a story. I could tell that his heart wanted to speak to mine or provide some uplifting words of wisdom, but he just agreed and smiled at me.
I believe that honesty is the best policy. While I would not go into detail this quickly with a new interest, I would do so further in, if it was something that came up, or a need to know. We held hands during the movie and he did not move his thumb or anything at all, a still, but sincere hand. He noticed at one point that I dozed off during the movie, which I tend to do. It then became a source of laughter. Every time he looked over and I had my eyes closed, he tickled me. I am very ticklish and let out a loud squeamish laugh. One can imagine the problem this presents in a silent theater. This moment made me forget all about my unknown feelings for the moment and smile.
As the night was coming to a close and we headed back to the hotel, I noticed a slight nervousness. He mentioned that he did not expect anything sexual to unfold, but was this true? We settled into the room for the evening and spoke about how each slept. I know I paid attention to his sleep pattern, but oddly ignored all of it, as it was the opposite of mine. When we woke, his eyes were puffy and red, a sign of no sleep. I immediately felt bad as I recalled his need for sleep to perform at a piano recital that day. We walked down to the hotel breakfast and made small talk, before getting ready to leave.
As I ordered my Uber to leave, we sat in the lobby for a couple of minutes and reminisced on the highlights of the prior evening. When my Uber arrived, he walked me out like a true gentleman, and we had a long and tight embrace. When I looked up, I noticed a couple of people watching with a warm smile on their faces, as if they had witnessed a great love.
As my Uber drove away, I started to think, “Why am I not into this guy?” My mind immediately went to OG Uno. I then became sad and wanted to undo my decision, that days prior, I was steadfast.
I learned from my time with this man. I learned that my heart and mind were not connected. My heart was with another, and I was able to notice what the disconnect was. I had never experienced this breakthrough. I learned that I need to give myself time to process and feel emotions. I imagine now that had I given myself that time, would made a true breakthrough. I have had a lot of situations in life where I was made to make a quick decision and confidently stand by it. Or the option was to beg for forgiveness and go back to a bad environment. This time, I knew that the past was hampering the present. Finally, my own eureka moment. I figured myself out and was able to notice a pattern that did not belong. But, was it too late to correct my decision? Love happens and it is the will of both parties, if that love is enough.