This one is going to be a different kind of love - the self. What does it mean to love yourself? Do you go get a pedicure? Do you see a relative, laugh, hug, and talk? Do you surround yourself at a dinner table with your favorite people, just to hear the sound that it produces? Do you go shopping for a new pair of shoes? All the lotions, potions, and creams will not buy love. These are all things that one could categorize as being kind to yourself or showing yourself love by looking your best. Whatever analysis brings a label, it can all boil down to love. A deeper type of love for the self is respect, values, character, and demeanor.
In 2021, I noticed cycles and patterns in interactions with family and romantic relationships. I had well been on my way down the talk therapy path, when an epiphany of sorts occurred. I noticed a push and pull event present in a lot of relationships, not all my doing. But, I noticed. Since then I have been merrily going down the yellow brick road to self-love. It started with a manicure, just one and I was hooked. I started to view this as a short amount of time to sit, ponder, and provoke a joyful feeling. Eureka, we have something. I started to add feet and hands, then it turned into my Saturday routine, with coffee, and a delicious culinary health-nut bowl. I made more effort in my appearance, I started to get my eyebrows waxed, tried trendier haircuts, and added the beloved facials. There is a really good diamond glow facial at most spas. It works very well.
Taking care of yourself should be the top priority, stand in the mirror and look at yourself every day. Multiple times a day. Look at your smile, your eyes, do you look happy? Identify what in your day makes you unhappy. These are probably starting to be things that anyone can and should do, but most rarely do. For the majority of three years, I lived my everyday life in front of mirrors, snapping pictures throughout the day to see what resonated. What was my body language? What was my face saying? What did my appearance say about how I felt about myself? These are all things that start to emerge in one’s peripheral vision.
Then starts the inner work of acknowledgment and acceptance. These are major topics to understand and apply, but it started to click. I no longer needed to ask the other person to agree with my assessment of a specific set of events, I had the answers. It was time to apply the knowledge and see if the traits that were learned, can be undone, or replaced. That seemed to be the next rational inner work goal. This goal would take some time to see improvement, it is not a flick of the switch. It is a learned ability to notice behaviors that do not belong in the present.
This newfound knowledge means that changes need to be made in who will have access to me and what knowledge I share. It starts with setting boundaries with relationships that cause the most muck in your life. By this, I mean, that whoever causes the most turmoil, or chaos in simple gestures or interactions has to have an exit plan. As this would be a long-term goal, I set out to see what else I can work on. I understood that I was a little intimidated by the world outside. The hustle and bustle of the average person going about their business, but add on a gaggle of them, and it becomes anxiety. So let’s go around people and try to solve the simple problem of navigation. Getting lost can help gage your abilities, and problem solve. My love for travel started to develop and off I went. I started with large cities and worked from there.
Okay, back to pampering. So about a year into this discovery for self-care and loving myself. I started to notice that I like routine, cooking, reading, and the gym. The gym became a haven where I could lift heavy weights and dance like an idiot. I love being able to see muscle definition, it means that I am gaining knowledge with cooking and nutrition. This was all new to me as I had never cooked this healthy and enjoyed it, or had the time to spend at the gym to care for each body part. It was a whole new world and I started to love it. I had peaceful days and things were going well.
Taking time on your appearance is one man’s preference, but still a projection onto the world. It is a chance for self-expression, it can start a conversation or make a statement, your decision. That is the beauty of appearance, once you can identify yourself in a lewk – roll with it. Make a change in material, fit, and brand. Wonder around a mall, walk into random stores, and try on clothes. At this time, I started to do, bubble baths, bathrobes, smelly diffuser sticks, and meditation. Finding things that calm your body and give you a sense of peace is essential, and taking time to clean yourself should be the highest of priorities.
The meditation and love for physical activity led me to hot yoga. This is a form of patience with yourself to correctly maneuver and hold the poses. It is difficult at first, but with each session, you slowly improve. By the middle point of my yogi transformation, I started to notice that my body was not as stiff. I freely stood and spoke with my hands in a conversation, something I had not done in a while. Wearing yoga clothes is like getting half naked in front of strangers, so the experience of sweating your anxiety away with others around brings a calm. It helped in navigating conversations with possibly like-minded people. It is a baby step, but it keeps you off the couch.
There is a part of self-respect that requires you to no longer adapt, or tolerate behavior that does not fit in your life. This is a harder aspect to accept and navigate. The concept here is that you cannot entertain the push/pull of an interaction, with anyone. Realize why it is thereby identifying the source (it is typically the most reoccurring offender as the root cause) and work a stratagem to remove yourself from the equation. Then notice when you are the cause of this action. Being self-aware is key at this point, kind of like when you’re at the airport, “See it, say something.” This does mean that people, places, and activities must be denied access to your newly defined peace. It is a lot harder to do than to say. After three years of applying this methodology, the struggle is now almost muted. People will show you their true colors and intentions, you must be observant. Calm the mind and body, be present, and watch what others do, and their actions. This is the indicator of how they feel, it is the input of effort. Then it is up to you, to decide if the behavior fits your needs.
I surprised myself while trying to impress myself. I just started to do things that gave a freeze response or elicited some type of emotional block, and worked through it. Each time I noticed the qualifiers, then became vigilantly aware of my behavior, then smack… A pattern emerges and you have a blueprint to work off of. The entire time of trying to impress myself with a gym selfie, or any other type of selfie, I had created a blueprint for healing one’s self. The work that I have done all along, was uncovering the root causes, and applying logic and newly learned skills. I had the power all along to change, it was seeing it within and using the power of positive thinking to overcome.
Self-love starts to be redefined at this stage, you have a deeper understanding of your needs and wants, versus what is given. Morals and values are now being reset to not make the same mistakes, or sidestep the landmine next time. Standards are set high for new relationships, and an analysis of all past and present relationships occurs to identify what underperforms, is subpar, or overperforms. At this new stage, some relationships will have to be let go of, to maintain the new status quo. Language turns an about-face, and the desire to “hate” something, or a person, is too strong of an emotion to carry the feeling, much less use the word.
Self-love continues when you can identify that you are part of the equation that led to this point. Even if not by desire, nonetheless, it is here, so heal it. You jump over the largest hurdle when the relationships that you once ached for, resurface and you sidestep the hurtful comments, seeing them for what they are. Sometimes people come and go, sometimes we must be the leaving party. Either way, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different outcome. Sometimes toxic relationships are just that, it’s okay to move on.”
Self-love is something I highly value. We are our biggest cheerleader, and sometimes the only one. Your voice should be loud, respectful, never dual, and always bright. Self-discovery is evergreen in all of us, evolving into an experienced-mature elder.