What is love and how do you obtain it? I have been in what I call love with a woman and a man, both based on my feeling of what love is. This is a question that plagues us all as humans. The pursuit, the feeling, nurturing, and cherishing it. We all have a different pedestal that it resides on.
This is a continuing series about Love, the pitfalls of opening your heart, and the path to finding it.
I don’t recall setting out to fall in love with a woman; I fell in love with her, because she was kind too me in the beginning. She cherished our interactions, she saw my family life and wanted to allow me into hers. She cared about what I thought and wanted in life. The man I fell in love with is an accountant, so I felt my heart would be safe, or so I thought. Either way, each saw my charismatic energy and wanted to foster it in their own way.
In my late thirties, after experiencing the loss of a relationship with my daughter, my view of love became that of a commodity - that was my experience. Now, that I am in my early forties, I have processed those events and want to move on from those ackees, I see love as a deeper feeling that is hard to obtain. Am I afraid of falling in love? Yup. And I never thought those words would be true when I thought of myself. I am working on the ability to open myself to another and allow the ever-so fleeting emotion to resurface and take hold again. This is the missing puzzle piece to my life in the current time. Truth be told, I am one that likes romance, leaving a little sticky note wishing a good morning and day, stopping a busy day to grab a kiss at a chance meeting, falling asleep with his arms around me, cooking a well-planned meal, and the long embrace when greeting for the first time, in what felt like weeks. These are all things I naturally possess and are given free of strings.
The meaning of love to me now has changed. Obviously, I want the romantic side of it, but I also want the harder aspects of true love. What I mean by that is, I want someone who wants to see my difficult side and loves it even more. I want someone to notice when I am having a bad day and does something small to cheer me up, like words, or a gesture of food.I do not want to be purchased or chased. I want someone that will see the issue in my eyes and ask “what are you thinking about? Can I do anything to help?” Even if they cannot (most likely not), it is the gesture that provokes a feeling of being loved. Someone does not have to touch my body, caress my bicep, or purchase a gift. Those things actually elicit an “ick” response. Unless the purchase is small and has meaning behind it, great. If not, keep the receipt-you’ll need it.
Love to me is a look, a butterfly feeling of “did he mean to touch my arm like that?” Or the kiss that is not just a kiss; the gaze into my eyes, then holding eye contact, the hand that caresses the back of my neck, gently pulling me closer to his chest, applying another hand to the small of my back, and gently pulling me even closer, then the kiss; It’s all about mood and timing. It would be the feeling that comes after this type of kiss that would bring the butterflies. I long for the butterflies. I have not felt them in so long. There is a line from my favorite movie:
"Ladybugs, Katherine. Lots of ladybugs."
Katherine also says, "When I was a little girl I used to spend hours looking for ladybugs. Finally, I'd just give up and fall asleep in the grass. When I woke up, they were crawling all over me".
Checked and Updated on 11/14/2024