Something that I never thought would be a legal issue with parenting: my sexual orientation.
"Equality to me is a human rights issue. Sexual orientation should not define who we are as people." - Angelina Jolie
At the beginning of my divorce, I thought what any young and naive person would think “The judge is here to help me and see the middle ground, if I tell the truth, I have nothing to fear.” Girl, I was about to receive a marble statue to the back of the head.
I loved being a father, but I chose to not be a weekend parent. I chose to be completely involved in my daughter's life. I took pride in being the cheer, band, and PTA dad. I was dedicated to ensuring she obtained the education that I did not. I took pride in her friends wanting to be in my home and be a role model. After seventeen years of neglecting myself, and putting my dreams to the side, I am left with the empty void of grieving a relationship. Knowing the outcome, I would still do it again, but I would better equip myself to navigate and cope. I would surround myself with compassionate people.
I suddenly found myself at the beginning of a divorce that started with a shock, being filed in Fayette County and having Judge T. Philpot preside over the divorce case. The primary residence had been established years prior, in a neighboring county. You might think to yourself, “Okay, get the show on the road here.” Judge Philpot was not any normal judge, far from it. He is a published author for his views on marriage, he is also known for his distaste for gay men as fathers. I had no clue how this elected official morphed his worldly and demographical views. I owned and operated a small business, I had little connections and knowledge of the legal system.
I loved the outdoors and opened a landscape design company when my daughter was born. It grew over the years into a small group of clients that offered referrals. My hobbies were outside, I rarely looked at the news, and was not into politics.
Cell phone to hell seems fitting; That is how the saga began. The “timeshare schedule”… wait… vomit for a minute. Wipe my mouth…Okay. The schedule for our daughter was that I had her on Sunday to start the school week, mom would have her every other Thursday through Sunday morning. We had a simple parenting arrangement that, once signed, we would agree on all items involving the child to be mutual, in writing, and signed. So I thought the sea was calm. Until the age of eleven, the dreaded cellphone. My views on social media and cell phones were known and it was that it would not even be discussed until a driver’s license and job was a part of the equation. I hardly knew what my iPhone3 was capable of, let alone the internet.
Unbeknownst to me, there was a cell phone provided on Christmas. I learned of the existence of the phone, I believe five months in. I overheard a conversation on a car ride home about her phone. I paid attention to their convo and was watching (when warranted) to see reactions. The friend mentioned the absence of her phone and they both looked at me in the mirror. I talked to her once we arrived home and then called the ex-wife and asked that it be removed, or at minimum have parental controls around it. The ex-wife was an Android user and did not understand the controls of an iPhone. My request was denied, and I let it die off for then, just keeping tabs on what I heard. This is literally what a family law attorney will tell you to do. Then one day, she requested that the phone be brought over. I agreed. I had heard a couple of other stories about this phone and wanted a chance to inspect another iPhone. It was brought home on a Sunday and that night I sat in the living room and silently waited for her to fall asleep. Then, it was just a swipe to open.
I was beyond horrified with what I found, as any parent would be. The contents included: screenshots of an app that functioned like Facetime (it had both parties on the screen); text messages; and direct messages on dating apps that included the ex-wife’s home address, apartment number, and instructions on how to approach the front door; and a slew of other dangerous activities. I immediately panicked and my mind went to the location of the apartment building being right next to a large county highway, and the connection to the interstate was just miles away.
At this time in life, I was finishing my bachelor’s degree and working in the legal field. I had law school on my horizon. I had little knowledge of these things but, knew that a conversation with the wrong person and my daughter could be gone forever. I asked a professor for a recommendation and called. I went to the appointment that week and provided everything I had. It was my understanding that the pictures would be filed with a motion to seek the removal of the phone and have our case go before mediation for custody issues. I was told bluntly by the attorney:
“You do not have a shot at getting sole custody of your child. The judge hates gay fathers and will not do it under any circumstance. You are lucky you came to me in time, some parents who ignore this can be criminally charged.”
The judge, Judge Philpot would never see the motion with attachments, because he pushed it to motion hour mediation. Which is essentially a courthouse personnel sitting in a room with you and the other person and asking to resolve the problem. We left that afternoon with me spending three thousand dollars to get her to agree to remove the cell phone. The following morning, the attorney called me to let me know that the ex-wife had obtained an attorney and they filed a motion overnight regarding custody and child support. This opened a year-long court battle that led to wrinkles, hair loss, loss of sleep, oppression, and the onset of adult anxiety.
The dramatics that are involved in the court system are steered and sometimes created by the attorney to weave a web. Looking back at this, I now give myself credit for being a strong and resilient human. During the ten years that I had to be involved in the Kentucky court system, I was told the following by attorneys and a former judge:
"Philpot will take your child away for nothing other than you looking and identifying as a gay man"
"He has taken away two other clients children, removed them from the home for identifying as a gay father"
"You should give up on law school. He will give full custody to your ex-wife"
"Since you are living with another gay man and it is now legal for you to marry, you have to do it this weekend. He will take away your child next week at the motion hour hearing."
In the process of family law cases, mediation is suggested as a way to "meet in the middle." In my case, "the judge will not hear anything to do with you, and if he does, it will be to remove your daughter." We attended mediation four times and filed agreements with the court. One interesting thing that stood out to me, was that each of these agreements had a "non-disparagement of the parent" clause that meant that you could not speak ill of the other parent. At the end of 2015, I started recording conversations and keeping records of all disparaging comments. The following two times that I was made to interact with the court system, I would state to each new attorney that I had proof of disparagement. No one cared or would listen. I still have the videos and voice recordings. But, a gay man is an "oxymoron” like “jumbo shrimp” or “magnificent Chihuahua.” in this bigot's eyes. It still perplexes me to this day. A state judge using religion to discriminate against a father. Timothy Philpot has no children, so I am unclear how he can make this determination in the first place. All of his experience, books, education, and "religious contributions" seem to be very odd to me.
In 2017, my patience ran out with the legal system in Kentucky. I had enough of being discriminated against, told "no," told I had to pay a retainer of ten-thousand dollars, or made to tolerate behavior that a straight man would never have to accept. I was also sick to my stomach that I had to stand idly by and watch my daughter's life go wrong, all because I had no control or say in what was being done. It is the most sickening feeling in the world. So.... I plaid the fool and represented myself in court. I knew the implications and stakes, but I became physically ill at the thought of having another conversation where I was told that "because you are openly gay, you have lesser rights in this court's eyes." There is a widely used expression in the legal world "A man who represents himself has a fool for a client." Well, there is only one way to beat a bigot at his own game. Since I was told that I had to choose between continuing to have custody of my daughter or going to law school, I decided to put my paralegal skills to work, I know how to write a motion better than most attorneys. I have had them stand in the back of me and shout instructions and boost their ego, as they felt like a big boy with control, so let's box man.
A little back story, in 2017 I was divorcing the man I lived with after our relationship suffered immense pressure we faced in making huge life decisions, based on the demands of a homophobic judge, with no kids. We started the divorce process six months after we got married. I represented myself in the case. Judge Philpot was assigned to the case and he made my life very uncomfortable, and in a way shamed me. This, too, was a familiar feeling. Five months into the divorce process, I was missing work, and losing hair, and the nightmares I had due to this man and his "jumbo shrimp" fantasy were just mind-blowing. At the six-month mark, both Philpot and the opposing attorney were making it crystal clear that I was a mere layman and they had all the power.
I continued to foolishly represent myself in the courtroom, trying every angle I could to just solve the issues and close it out. The opposing attorney started to deploy vexatious litigation tactics and Philpot would do nothing to stop it. Why would he? He was having fun in seeing this play out. The final straw came when a motion was entered electronically and contained a hearing notice for the next day. Since I am not an attorney and do not have full access to the Kentucky e-file platform, I was mailed a copy. Once I received the outdated motion and saw that I missed the hearing, I threw the metaphorical gloves off. I filed a motion and referenced myself as "Jumbo Shrimp Petitioner" at least a dozen times. I did use incorrect legal terms and before I knew it, Philpot was cornering me. As I sat in the courtroom, waiting for him to call my name, an attorney approached me and wanted to represent me for very little cost, he was a shark, and a close friend of Philpot's. I agreed, and as he was finishing another case, my name was called. The attorney ran to the podium and spoke for me, essentially cutting me off. After the hearing, we spoke at length and he stated that this would end quickly. A snarky, but stern email was sent to opposing counsel. Within forty-eight hours, the agreement was signed and filed-case closed.
2021 was the last court interaction that I had, this was the most upsetting. This last battle cost me about eight thousand dollars. I was being sued by my ex-wife for child support. Our daughter was illegally removed from my home and was seventeen, turning eighteen in seven months. It took six months of arguing for the green attorney to find case law that stated a father was not responsible for any child support when nothing had changed with the child. I have always been the financial backer of our daughter, I always proved that I paid more for her care than I would in child support. I was an amazing father.
I look back at all the times I begged someone to just listen, read, and take action; no one ever would. I now know why I was judged so harshly, but when a traumatized adult comes to you and cannot get all the words out, someone should listen. It is called compassion. In total, I spent over sixty-thousand in a seventeen-year timeframe, defending my rights as a gay father. At this time, I was respectfully labeled as "living in poverty" with the income I made. No one should have to fork over non-existent money to preserve their rights, over the "sick parent" and still lose. As a parent, you have this overwhelming feeling to protect your child, neglecting yourself. That has been my journey as a parent. I neglected my voice. I silenced myself, after being silenced by those that are in power.
Sometimes I think I will have my Jody Foster moment and get to walk in front of those homophobes, with my head held high, and my daughter on my arm. Sadly, that will never happen. I will never again hear "fadre, I am home." Acceptance.