Love can snatch you by the hair and make you question your very existence. This blog post has taken me some time to create, because I needed to process the emotions that went along with this individual. The beautiful young man from the Brazilian dance floor.
“Falling in love can happen quickly, it is the nurturing mindset that creates a long-lasting emotion.” – Me
On my first solo night out in Brasil, I decided to go to a couple of different gay nightclubs in Centro, Sào Paulo. The first one I walked into, I went to the dance floor and immediately locked eyes with a beautiful young man. He is tall, with dark features, lips, eyes, perfect hair, and the body one would instantly want to caress. We looked at each other and would hold eye contact for minutes at a time, and briefly speak on “the app.” We continued to eye flirt back and forth for a while, dancing and passing one another in the walkways. He was with a friend, and we continued to flirt back and forth on the dance floor. Then, we met. His voice was even as beautiful as his face, and his personality shined through all the listed attributes.
We wanted to walk around, talk, and get some food. We went about our gay little way and found a cute restaurant. We talked for almost two hours and made plans to meet up the next day for a concert-type thing that was happening at a small-sih nightclub. We both like nightlife in a large city, so we set a time to meet (including his friend) and then parted ways. As I walked back to my place, I was rehashing the evening's events and smiled. What was this feeling?
We met the following evening, danced, smiled, kissed, and had a great evening together. Midway through the night, we decided to leave and grab some junk food. The three of us walked into Centro, Sào Paulo to get McDonalds. As we walked we were in a dangerous area, but it did not feel that way. They started to tell me about the difference in the food at McDonalds in Brasil and their favorite types of sandwiches. We walked fast as they seemed to me concerned that we were walking around at 1 a.m., where supposably, the homeless and criminals run amuck and wreak havoc on innocent bystanders. Once inside the restaurant, we laughed at my amazement at the menu and the plethora of choices that were unlike any that I had seen before.
We got our food and sat down to eat. They both started to educate me on the different races and terms used for them in the country. I was flabbergasted at the term “yellow” used to describe one race and that white people in the country were not referenced as “Latino/a”, but simply “White.” This for some reason was mind-blowing to me, as in the U.S. any person from South America is termed as “Latino/a.” As the evening hours turned into predawn, we finished our conversation and ordered Ubers to leave. As we stood there waiting for my ride, we shared a couple of kisses that, were not just normal kisses. It was more romantic and intimate kissing. I was impressed by this young man in his emotional intelligence, sensitivity, and compassion.
The following day, we were texting back and forth, and he admitted that he did not want to depart on his return flight home, he wanted to stay in SP longer, and with me. We decided for him to come and stay with me. When he arrived, I could tell that both of us were a little nervous, trying to feel out the other's emotional state, and the apartment.
The first night we spent together was a little awkward, by that I mean, we were still strangers in a way and there was much to be discovered. As he became settled, and this being the first time a man had spent the night with me in a foreign country, I noticed I was a little nervous, too. We lay on the bed and talked about our lives, and then the conversation became intimate. He quickly got off the bed, went over to the door and began to close it, before it closed, he turned to me and said,
“This does not mean anything is going to happen.”
With a swift movement, the door was closed, and our clothes were off. It was time to explore each other in a semi-sexual way. We inspected each other’s bodies and expressed interest in our favorite positions. This went on for some time and I think my nerves of being in a foreign country, with the desire to impress a beautiful young man got the best of me. I also had the thought of the apartment host listening or secretly watching in the back of my mind. Whatever the cause, I called it quits for the evening. We lay next to each other and fell asleep, me holding him.
We awoke the next day and went about our morning routine of meetings and breakfast. I made him a traditional American breakfast and waited while he finished his “dailies.” After eating and discussing what we wanted to do for the day, we got ready and set out on our adventure. We went to visit the MASP, take pictures, walk around parks, go to the gym, and explore Liberdade. In Liberdade, he showed me his favorite Japanese candies, we had lunch, and shopped for skincare. We shared a love for foreign skincare.
We had a truly wonderful day together. At times we kissed, briefly held hands, and looked at each other with the beginning feelings of admiration. We learned about each other’s lives in more detail. After working out, we decided to order pizza and lay around, as we had a very eventful day. That night we lay next to each other, talking, and kissing, and I massaged his shoulders and back.
The last day we had together was spent being lazy and talking about his return home. We laughed about the creepy apartment host and the vibe we assessed of the situation.
The morning of his departure, we talked and laughed as he packed, we spoke of the week and his return to home that he missed so much. He packed his things and we walked down to the Uber that waited to rush him to the airport. The embrace that we shared was not typical of two strangers who had just met in a bar. We looked at each other with sadness and joy at the experience. I thought to myself “Will I ever see you again?” Most likely not, but we kissed and held it for a moment. Then we hugged and he kissed my cheek, god I will never forget that feeling. It had been ages since that had happened and sparked a feeling. Right then I wanted to de-pant him and make love to him right there on the sidewalk. Instead, we looked at each other, hugged for what felt like an hour, and parted ways.
After his departure and return home, we spoke daily on Instagram, continuing to learn from one another. We do share personality traits and sense of humor. We exchanged colorful and funny memes. During one night of activities, he spoke like Pennywise from the movie IT, and it will forever stick with me. The memes we exchanged were about that moment. After a couple of weeks, my mind started to go in different directions, “is this a fleeting emotion?”, “Will I ever see him again?”, and “What am I doing with someone his age, I do not even have a phone number?” Needless to say, I decided to delete him as an active user.
As I recount this time, I am now evermore self-aware of my behavior with men now and do not like what I see as a cumulative. This brings me to a point of understanding myself and the changes that I need to make. I do not want to be chased, but pursued. I am now seeing that the experiences I have had with love (e.g.: family, romance, and platonic) have led me to this point and it is now my practice to move through correcting this behavior if I ever want a lasting love.