Well, it is finally happening. I can feel my heart beginning to open to the possibility of falling in love. It is at a snail’s pace, but I am not immediately running from the feelings. In the past when this feeling would present itself, I would block the guy and find the nearest hot body, hook-up, and rid myself of that mindset. I no longer want to riid myself of the feeling. What I want, is to fall in love. I want normalcy and someone I can depend on; someone to share life’s obstacles with.
“Falling in love should be organic and without judgment. It is a feeling that can flutter away at any moment.” – Me
In Rome, Italy I met someone that I started to fall in love with. I was flabbergasted by my mind and heart being synched with this fluttering feeling. The story starts on “the app” that we all use, but…. I was doing it differently; I had a face picture and no body picture on my profile. I was not looking for a hook, but a conversation and someone to spend some time with. I saw a Brazilian man and decided to message him, and to my surprise he immediately replied. We spoke for a bit and did the traditional authenticity confirmation (message and social) and decided to meet the next day. His hotel was close to mine, so it was a quick walk up the street. As I climbed the hill to the meeting spot, I got a glimpse of him, he had a shaggy purple sweater on (which is my favorite color, a deep purple), tall, dark hair, and strong facial features. As I came closer, I started to notice that he was smiling. I walked up to him and said,
“Oi”
We hugged and it was a tight embrace. We spoke about what we thought we could do and then started on our journey for the day. Our hands immediately touched, and we started to hold hands. I tend to notice quickly how a man acts around me, and what he does with his hand is an indicator for me. If he has what I call “dead-hand” meaning that he just holds my hand and there is no movement. Or, if he holds my hand and gently caresses a part of it with a finger or thumb, then that is a plus. He was rubbing my palm with his thumb, eureka-we have something.
We continued to walk and look around. We talked about what each did professionally, why we were in Rome, and any additional plans we might have. We were searching for the Trevi Fountain, which I had already seen the day prior, and it had no water. As we neared the destination, I started to care less about the missing water that awaited. He asked if I had ever been to Florence, Italy. He wanted to go the next day and asked if I would join him. We could look for train tickets at lunch. We continued to make our way through the hordes of people in Rome and see the architecture, while smiling at each other, telling life stories, and sharing pictures of our lives.
We made it to another destination, the Spanish Steps. He suddenly came up behind me with his phone out and the camera on, and snapped a picture. He commented,
"Our first picture together." I about melted, but I am sure the face I made was one of farting or sheer disbelief. Either way, something was developing here.
We made it to a place for lunch, it was the fanciest restaurant that I had ever been to in my life. The people that dined there were like movie stars, glammed with the obvious tox and filler looks, wine bottles and culinary food filled the white linen, perfectly set tables. We sat down and ordered Caprese as an appetizer (my favorite in Rome) and he ordered his Coke Zero (his favorite), and me with my water. We continued to smile at each other, and he asked me to take pictures of him and his food during the meal for his social media, he is an influencer. I am the type that loves photography and anything to do with capturing the moment with a picture, I happily obliged. He then started to look for train tickets to Florence, Italy. I am what I would call a “nervous nelly” in public crowds and had a minor panic attack the previous day when navigating the Roma terminal; It is huge. I thought to myself that I was in safe hands with a well-traveled man, and I agreed to go with him.
We continued to talk during lunch and make plans for the evening, and the following day. I stated that I needed to go check into my next hotel. After we walked back to his hotel, which was still close to my new place, we stopped for a minute and gazed into each other’s eyes moment. We went in for a kiss, and wow. The kiss was everything that I looked for, he had beautiful lips and used them correctly. It was tender at first and then deeper. He caressed the back of my neck, pulling me in closer. When I opened my eyes, he was looking right into mine and wanted to continue, so we did. We stood there at an intersection kissing deeper and deeper for about ten minutes. I felt the feeling all over my body if you get where I am going. We made plans to meet for dinner and I went on my way.
Later that evening, we met and started to walk to dinner. It was one of his favorite restaurants and I wanted to have an authentic Cácio e pepe. During dinner, he asked if he could take a video of me saying “hi”, so he could send it to his friends. Once he did this and sent it, he said the word that typically made me run for the hills in the past, he replied with:
“Baby, they want to meet you in Sáo Paulo.”
We walked through the colossal architecture of central Roma, and I was in heaven snapping pictures of the night sky lighting up the massive buildings. We stopped now and then to kiss, while holding hands and feeling our thumbs caress the other hand. We walked slowly to the restaurant, wandering around the streets of Rome like a movie. We arrived at the restaurant and I stood there, in a trans, looking at all the people, lights, and buildings. As we stood in line for a short amount of time, I could not stop looking at him and thinking to myself, “Are you falling in love with this man? Can this happen that quickly?” After all, I didn’t know him, or spent much time with him. All I knew was that when I was with him, I felt calm; I felt at peace; I felt the weight of the world lift from my shoulders. I wanted to continue to kiss him, be held by him, and feel his energy next to me.
During the rest of the night, we had gelato, and walked around the area of the restaurant. We made it back to his building and started to kiss again. this time, I had a feeling of my foot popping, as Princess Mia’s did at the end of the movie, being kissed at the fountain. I had always wanted this feeling and moment to occur. It finally occurred. We kissed for a bit and then parted ways for the evening, planning to meet in the morning to catch the train to Florence. The following morning and day were everything I thought it would be and more. I had never been on a first-class train, seen the Tuscan countryside, and learned about someone simultaneously. The day we spent in Florence was the most perfect day I have ever had in my life, literally my entire life. We snapped pictures of all the famous sites, I let him take the lead on directions, I merely followed this beautiful man around Florence, Italy like a lost puppy sniffing for his owner. We held hands, laughed, marveled at the sites, ate like oinkers, kissed at each stop, and continued to digest each other’s lives. By the end of the day, I was completely enamored by this man. His lips, smile, eyes, body, laugh, mind - everything. I am just now realizing that I finally had my perfect day Under The Tuscan Sun.
The following day was the last full day in Rome for both of us. We did not see each other that day, but had dinner at his hotel, and planned to ride to the airport together the next morning; our flights were at similar times.
The next morning, we rode to the airport, with him requesting my photography skills in videos and pictures. He told me that morning that his social media creator asked who was taking his pictures and videos, it was not him. I smiled a little at the compliment and continued to look at the view as we drove. We arrived at the airport and walked in, he turned to me, pulled me close, kissed me like we had fallen in love, and said:
“One of our last kisses in Europe”
I just looked at him and smiled, for my thought of telling him the truth that I was falling for him could scare him off. So, I kept quiet and smiled at him. We said we would check in and meet in the interior of the airport. We met again at the inside of the airport and grabbed food. As a side note, departure gates in Europe do not list the gate until fifteen or twenty minutes before boarding. From observation, this seems to be a way to keep order in the airport and allow deboarding to flow smoothly. Okay, back to food. We had pizza and continued to talk, then decided I would walk him to his gate. Once at his gate, we stopped in a corner and kissed romantically. I was secretly waiting for my foot to pop again. It started too, but something stopped it. He looked at me and said with a sincere look in his eyes:
“I really like you. Like a lot.”
I said the same thing to him and meant it, for the first time in a long time. We continued to kiss, and he pulled me in closer and cracked my back like he had done for the past couple of days. I thought to myself, “I could really get used to this type of affection every day.” We promised to text each other every day and share pictures of what we were doing. I intended to keep this promise as the feelings that started to bubble up were naturally genuine.
The following days, we would text back and forth, and I would watch all of his videos and see his outfits for the day. I started to become a little nervous at what I saw. I knew we spoke of fashion labels and the love for shopping, but this point in my life is for travel and not as much for designer bags. He would share pictures of him wearing Dior, Gucci, and Louis Vuitton. This started to concern me, as I had Prada, but sunglasses, a wallet, and a worn pair of shoes on me. I thought to myself, “We might not be at the same level.”
In the following days, we would continue to call each other “baby” and "babe.” We did have sex once, and it was really good. I could see that we would be able to have great sex, so I left it at the one time. During all the conversations, it was more of an emotional state. Typically, with men, they stay on my body and face, never really moving toward anything close to an emotional connection.
This is what I wanted in ways, but became nervous. I did, however, decide to stop the conversation and social media follow as he said during the conversation,
"I am going to be really busy when I get back and the holiday is coming up.”
So, to preserve my emotional state here in SP, I felt it best that I cut the connection loose. This is where my daftness rears its ugly head. As I reread this Blog and try to make sense of why I would hurt this man, after spending picture-perfect days together, it has become clear that I need to stop running away from love, or stopping it before it develops. I did have a short conversation with him, where I tried to apologize for my behavior and admit I lacked clarification on such a harsh decision. I am going to learn from this mistake and try not to let the next one go.
Checked and Updated on 11/14/2024